What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 08:13
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im still living with it.
What do you do when you are struggling to fall asleep?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why do men think all women are the same?
She loved him until the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is soul school!.
One cannot live in the past .
Ive learnt so much.
What is the cost of living in Sweden as a family?
And i lived it daily.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I write beautiful poetry .
What did i know ?
How do I become mentally strong?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What are some common examples of human hypocrisy?
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So whats the point in blame.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were not on the streets..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
But ive been too sick for many years..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My life is so biszare .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Comes on , in middle age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it wasn’t much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Who then, do I blame.?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Would this be the day?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But, we were locked up after school.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I waited trembling.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
All the time i was locked up.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She was in good health!
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Put me off passion for life!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why did i forgive my father ?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I will be 64.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I have no regrets .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We all went to grammer schools
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It was going to be , some day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She married twice! .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He knew the spot.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!